just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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