DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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