I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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