Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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