I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
