i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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