the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
