you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
