I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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