dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
