I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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