It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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