Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm drive I can fine osifer
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
