Ambien. No doubt about it.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
