i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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