My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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