After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize