WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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