Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
