Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
