I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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