She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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