they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
