I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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