I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
