I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
