Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
