ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
