On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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