I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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