If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The dick lei will go down in squad history
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
