Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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