I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
