That's when you crack a 10am beer
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
