This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
