My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
