when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
