OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
