your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
