i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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