Please don't use social media to get back at me.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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