omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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