Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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