hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
