tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
