trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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