my soul wont recognize me after tonight
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
In other news, I just burned my penis
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
