I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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