I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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