yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
