No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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