I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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