A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
