Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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