Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
