Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
