Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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